"The Date"

(The following was written roughly around October 30, 2002, with a few touch ups here and there by me today. There's really not much too it, but it still tickles me and I thought I'd share it.)

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[What we have here is your friendly neighborhood McDonald's. Brightly lit, perhaps even cheerful. Today there is only one CASHIER at the counter, a perky little girl with a bright smile. She handles each customer in a perky, cheerful manner that no doubt grates after a few hours of hearing it.

[Standing by her are two brutish men named FRANK and EARNEST. They should be working in back or manning a register. Instead, they try to start up a conversation with the Cashier and glare at the customers who keep interrupting them. The Cashier hardly seems aware of their presence, as she is focused on helping people.

[The next customer is a young MAN of no clear age. He seems to be a wee bit nervous, looking over his shoulder at something or someone we can't see. He doesn‘t order right away. He keeps looking at the menu, then back over his shoulder.

[Below his waist, out of sight of most everyone else, including us, he holds a weapon.

[With the stage set, we are ready for some action. It starts with the man, noticing some movement in the booths behind him. ]

Man
[flustered, over his shoulder]
Honey, just find us a seat, okay? I’ll get the food…
[someone speaks, but we can’t hear what is said]
No, no, it’ll be fine… I’ll be right there…

Cashier
[perky and cheerful]
Sir, may I help you? There are others in line.

Man
All right, sure. What I would like is for you to…
[raises weapon]
REACH FOR THE SKY!!!
[Everyone stares at the weapon. It is an ancient crossbow. Looks like it’s about ready to fall apart]

Man
[getting into his part]I WANT TWO QUARTER POUNDER MEALS AND I WANT THEM NOW DAMN IT NOW!!!!!

Cashier
[polite]
Sir?
[points at the crossbow]
That isn’t loaded.

Man
Wha...um…
[The man checks and sees that she’s right. Surprised; could have sworn he loaded it before he came in]

Cashier
[patient]

Even if it was, you’d only get one shot off with that. While you’re reload, either Frank

[gestures to her left]
or Earnest
[gestures to her right] would take you down. So it really doesn’t make any sense to even humor you, now does it?

Man
[flustered]
Well now…

Cashier

Besides, whoever heard of sticking up a fast food place with a crossbow? Earnest, have you?

Earnest
Nuh-uh.

Cashier
Frank?

Frank
Nope.

Cashier

You see? Even Frank hasn’t heard of such a thing, and he’s been to Des Moines. Now how can I take you seriously, hmm?

Man
[desperate]
It’s all I’ve got…
[realization]
Wait! Wait!
[The man drops crossbow. He digs through his pockets as everyone else in the store watches on in mild disinterest. Finally he pulls out pocketknife.]Man
[triumphant]

Ah HAH! NOW GIVE ME SOME FRIES AND A DRINK OR ELSE…or else…well, you know…

Cashier
[irritated, but still perky]
Oh, give me that.

[She grabs pocketknife from the Man. Frank and Ernest are both impressed with how fast she does this]

Man
[rubs his hand]
OW!

Cashier
[polite tone of voice]

Now look at that. Me, a slip of a girl, disarming a grown man. Sir, I hate to say this, but you’re pathetic. Really.

Man
[outraged]
You caught me off guard! That’s not fair!

Cashier

Sir, this is a place of business, and while I can think of nothing I’d rather do than rid you of your delusions of grandeur, I really must ask you to either give me a civil order, or step out of the line and let the next person order.

Man
[hopeful]
Can I have my knife back?

CashierSir, I might be perky and cheerful, but that doesn’t make me stupid.Man
[crushed]Um…Okay. I’ll take…um…two cheeseburgers and two waters. Um, please? Cashier
Certainly, sir. I’d be delighted.
[punches the information into the register]
The total comes to two twenty eight.

Man
[jaw drops at the amount]
Um… um…
[hollers over his shoulder]

Hey honey, can I have five bucks? Ah, come on, baby, just this one last time…

[And thus we leave them, problem solved, crisis averted]