Some Points to Consider When Viewing Bad Movies

In my time, I have sought out, rented, or bought some really bad horror movies. Here are a few guidelines I have concerning them that might be useful if one decides to follow my lead. (Which I don't advise; I don't know where I'm headed any more.)

No doubt there are other lists like this one out there on the web. I admit it isn't the most original of ideas. But my other essay stalled and this was the result...

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1. Bad movies are in the eye of the beholder. Some of the best films I've seen other people consider bad.
2. If the movie's entire plot is contained on the back of the box, you can count the movie watched and move on.
3. If the movie has a fancy cover (Holographic image, talking covers, etc.), then you may want to consider passing it by.
4. If the actor you rented the movie to see dies before the film is over, you can, in good conscience, stop the movie.
5. Any Dracula movie made beyond 1943 in which Dracula successfully hides his identity by spelling his name Alucard is probably not worth your time.
6. If you can predict plot points five to ten minutes before they happen, you no doubt can finish the movie even without seeing the rest of it.
7. If the film has the word "Blood", "Gore" or the like in the title, it is probably trash.
8. No one has ever made a decent Killer Santa Claus movie. Ever.
9. No one has ever made a decent Killer Snowman Movie. Ever.
10. "Troma" is "Trauma" misspelled.
11. Big name directors who have never made a Horror movie before probably shouldn't start now.
12. Bats on wire never, ever look convincing.
13. If you know how the movie's going to end in less than 3/4 of the running time, you might be wasting your time watching the movie.
14. With very few exceptions, you won't be penalized for not finishing a movie. Beyond, of course, paying the rental fee (or, worse yet, buying the thing out right.)
15. No one needs to know you paid money to see any film. In fact, there are some films you don't want people to know you've watched and enjoyed. Which is why I refuse to tell anyone I own Frankenstien V. Dracula or that I have two copies of Godzilla v. Megalon.
16. If there are two or more horror stars in a given horror movie, odds are good they won't appear together on screen very often.
17. If the author of the work name appears in front of the movie's title (i.e.Bram Stoker's Dracula, Stephen King's Graveyard Shift), odds are good that you can rent the story from your local library and save wear and tear on your VCR/DVD/Immortal Soul.
18. If you simply must know how a movie ends, remember that the fast forward button is your best friend.